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theladyroseI managed to somehow churn out a 898 news magazine feature in the last hour; I wrote my faculty profile yesterday when procrastinating on studying for my research training exam. For a first draft for the piece I just turned in, I'm actually OK with it. (Note: I edited this a couple of weeks ago so it's hopefully less self-righteous and whiny now.)
There's a lot more of the frustrated single liberal Asian American female here, and I don't mean to sound critical of any of my friends. I was having trouble with the whole "c'mon, guys, take me seriously! Asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation!" tone; I just don't personally know any other self-identified asexuals, and sometimes it's just hard when you also want to be considered as serious relationship material as well but are hindered by being out as asexual. I keep hoping my luck will change; we'll see how that goes. I find that the more I seriously think about my future (grad school, career and looking after my parents), the more I have to consider the very real possibility that I might be single for the rest of my life.
Although it’s estimated that only 1% of the population at large is asexual, the Facebook group Asians Against Asexuality wants you to “band together to [e]rectify this grave epidemic of asexuality” that apparently afflicts the APA community. The group’s leaders lament that “the sad, sad truth of the matter is that many Asians are asexual. It's sort of pathetic, really. Even though all humans are sexual beings, some of us (especially Asians!) insist on taking our sexuality, locking it up in a safe, and dumping it overboard into an ocean of taboo.”
As an Asian American asexual who has yet to meet another APA asexual, I am delighted to have random strangers label me as pathetic and tragic. Don’t get me wrong - I have nothing against people becoming more in touch with their sexuality and have always been against abstinence-only sex education. What disturbs me, though, is this largely male group’s denial of the oversexualized image of Asian American women. The dragon lady and lotus flower stereotypes so prevalent in popular culture perpetuate the exploitation of women at a physical and psychological level. I understand that the social emasculation of Asian American men has very real repercussions in the dating scene, but this Facebook group marginalizes those of us who don’t identify with traditional notions of sexuality.
Across cultures, we’ve become accustomed to thinking about sexuality within two limited dimensions. One is either attracted to the opposite gender, the same gender or both. The transgendered and the genderqueer, whose gender identity isn’t necessarily same as their biological sex, are acknowledged by the more liberal as exceptions, but even their sexual preferences are assumed to fall within this categorical construction of sexual attraction.
Discussions about sexuality rarely include the possibility of a fourth alternative, that some people don’t experience sexual attraction to either gender. Our debates about evolution vs. intelligent design, gay marriage and stem cell research assume that human beings are inherently sexual beings. Regardless of where one stands on the issues, it’s widely recognized that the drive to procreate and perpetuate our genes is biologically imperative to the survival of any species. The lack of a sex drive and thus the lack of desire to procreate is so contrary to our fundamental self-interest that it’s difficult for us to imagine that people exist with such a “handicap.” The negative sexual stereotypes about Asian Americans of all genders put even more pressure on us to resist these social classifications by others outside our community. These stereotypes can even provoke a defensive show of sexual bravado as demonstrated by Facebook’s Asians Against Asexuality.
Most of all, I am offended that asexuality is equated with sexual dysfunction and repression as well as social ineptitude. “Denial” of sexuality for non-religious reasons is all too often the kiss of death for one’s dating prospects.
Although some asexuals have no desire for romantic relationships, there are many asexuals who are looking for love with people of the same, other or any gender; I happen to be a straight asexual. Many of my most liberal and sexually open friends, who happen to be of non-Asian descent, assure me that someday I’ll be turned on to the wonders of sex when I’m old enough. It’s all too convenient to subvert the “sexuality is fluid, so why can’t you be more like everyone else?” argument on sexual minorities. They tell me that it’s great that I’m fighting against Yellow Fever, but think that I’ll change my ways when I finally find a nice Asian boy who’ll really appreciate me and then “ravish” me (their words, not mine).
I find it fascinating how they all assume my future partner’s race to be Asian, as if non-Asian guys are hopelessly brainwashed by the sexual stereotypes and that Asian Americans don’t buy into them as well, however unconsciously. I genuinely appreciate their good intentions, but asexuality is a facet of my identity that I cannot and would not change even if I could.
Increasingly, I find myself trading one Asian American stereotype for another – China doll for model minority classmate. Not that I’m a perfect student by any means, but I’ve found it much easier to establish relationships of any sort with males if they see me in totally desexualized (and correspondingly de-romanticized) terms, as a strictly platonic, pseudo-sisterly confidante who’s willing to edit their papers. I’ve asked out Asian American, hapa and non-Asian American guys, and funnily enough the Asian American guys, who know that I’m asexual, were the only ones who politely turned me down. Granted, my sample size isn’t that large, but it’s frustrating to often feel like I’m pigeonholed by my Asian American peers who know I’m asexual.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s such a pressure for my high-achieving Asian American guy friends to prove their masculinity that subconsciously they couldn’t imagine having a romantic relationship with an asexual even if they aren’t having sex.
I might be terribly naïve in making this plea, but surely we’re progressive enough to accept our Asian American peers of all sexualities?
There's a lot more of the frustrated single liberal Asian American female here, and I don't mean to sound critical of any of my friends. I was having trouble with the whole "c'mon, guys, take me seriously! Asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation!" tone; I just don't personally know any other self-identified asexuals, and sometimes it's just hard when you also want to be considered as serious relationship material as well but are hindered by being out as asexual. I keep hoping my luck will change; we'll see how that goes. I find that the more I seriously think about my future (grad school, career and looking after my parents), the more I have to consider the very real possibility that I might be single for the rest of my life.
Although it’s estimated that only 1% of the population at large is asexual, the Facebook group Asians Against Asexuality wants you to “band together to [e]rectify this grave epidemic of asexuality” that apparently afflicts the APA community. The group’s leaders lament that “the sad, sad truth of the matter is that many Asians are asexual. It's sort of pathetic, really. Even though all humans are sexual beings, some of us (especially Asians!) insist on taking our sexuality, locking it up in a safe, and dumping it overboard into an ocean of taboo.”
As an Asian American asexual who has yet to meet another APA asexual, I am delighted to have random strangers label me as pathetic and tragic. Don’t get me wrong - I have nothing against people becoming more in touch with their sexuality and have always been against abstinence-only sex education. What disturbs me, though, is this largely male group’s denial of the oversexualized image of Asian American women. The dragon lady and lotus flower stereotypes so prevalent in popular culture perpetuate the exploitation of women at a physical and psychological level. I understand that the social emasculation of Asian American men has very real repercussions in the dating scene, but this Facebook group marginalizes those of us who don’t identify with traditional notions of sexuality.
Across cultures, we’ve become accustomed to thinking about sexuality within two limited dimensions. One is either attracted to the opposite gender, the same gender or both. The transgendered and the genderqueer, whose gender identity isn’t necessarily same as their biological sex, are acknowledged by the more liberal as exceptions, but even their sexual preferences are assumed to fall within this categorical construction of sexual attraction.
Discussions about sexuality rarely include the possibility of a fourth alternative, that some people don’t experience sexual attraction to either gender. Our debates about evolution vs. intelligent design, gay marriage and stem cell research assume that human beings are inherently sexual beings. Regardless of where one stands on the issues, it’s widely recognized that the drive to procreate and perpetuate our genes is biologically imperative to the survival of any species. The lack of a sex drive and thus the lack of desire to procreate is so contrary to our fundamental self-interest that it’s difficult for us to imagine that people exist with such a “handicap.” The negative sexual stereotypes about Asian Americans of all genders put even more pressure on us to resist these social classifications by others outside our community. These stereotypes can even provoke a defensive show of sexual bravado as demonstrated by Facebook’s Asians Against Asexuality.
Most of all, I am offended that asexuality is equated with sexual dysfunction and repression as well as social ineptitude. “Denial” of sexuality for non-religious reasons is all too often the kiss of death for one’s dating prospects.
Although some asexuals have no desire for romantic relationships, there are many asexuals who are looking for love with people of the same, other or any gender; I happen to be a straight asexual. Many of my most liberal and sexually open friends, who happen to be of non-Asian descent, assure me that someday I’ll be turned on to the wonders of sex when I’m old enough. It’s all too convenient to subvert the “sexuality is fluid, so why can’t you be more like everyone else?” argument on sexual minorities. They tell me that it’s great that I’m fighting against Yellow Fever, but think that I’ll change my ways when I finally find a nice Asian boy who’ll really appreciate me and then “ravish” me (their words, not mine).
I find it fascinating how they all assume my future partner’s race to be Asian, as if non-Asian guys are hopelessly brainwashed by the sexual stereotypes and that Asian Americans don’t buy into them as well, however unconsciously. I genuinely appreciate their good intentions, but asexuality is a facet of my identity that I cannot and would not change even if I could.
Increasingly, I find myself trading one Asian American stereotype for another – China doll for model minority classmate. Not that I’m a perfect student by any means, but I’ve found it much easier to establish relationships of any sort with males if they see me in totally desexualized (and correspondingly de-romanticized) terms, as a strictly platonic, pseudo-sisterly confidante who’s willing to edit their papers. I’ve asked out Asian American, hapa and non-Asian American guys, and funnily enough the Asian American guys, who know that I’m asexual, were the only ones who politely turned me down. Granted, my sample size isn’t that large, but it’s frustrating to often feel like I’m pigeonholed by my Asian American peers who know I’m asexual.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s such a pressure for my high-achieving Asian American guy friends to prove their masculinity that subconsciously they couldn’t imagine having a romantic relationship with an asexual even if they aren’t having sex.
I might be terribly naïve in making this plea, but surely we’re progressive enough to accept our Asian American peers of all sexualities?
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bit of a ramble
Date: 2008-02-20 08:27 pm (UTC)That's ridiculous! It's an preference, not a dysfunction. That would annoy me to death. You have every right to be offended. This is speaking as a Caucasian, mostly straight girl (as in, I like men, but I wouldn't necessarily rule out a relationship with a woman.) Obviously, I can't speak for the Asian percentage. *grin*
I am sorry your friends still tell you that someday you'll be interested in sex, etc. Either you are, or you aren't.
Re: bit of a ramble
Date: 2008-02-28 09:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-04-14 05:55 am (UTC)I had a question, in regards to your asexuality in association with, I suppose, your future. Assuming that you find your male (of whatever race/ethnicity) that you are attracted to, and he is similarly attracted to you, and the two of you are interested in pursuing a long-term relationship. But he happens to be heterosexual. Would you be giving up your not-sex and have sex despite not being interested and/or wanting it, or would he be giving up his sex and remain abstinent in this relationship? Or would you find an asexual, heteroromantic male to pursue long-term relationships with? (Because I'm pretty sure that will narrow down your options, a lot.)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-04-15 12:45 am (UTC)That's something I've been thinking about a lot lately; Tina asked me the same thing. Becoming sexually active would really depend on my partner, the sort of commitment we have to each other - I'm willing to change my personal boundaries, but it really depends on much I trust the other person and their own expectations about sex and relationships. I've been mentally preparing myself lately for the possibility that I might not ever find a romantic partner who's willing to negotiate the fact that my sex drive is basically nonexistent. At this stage, I'd willingly consider having my romantic partner have sex with other people (taking the whole sex and love are totally different camp to the extreme) as long as they're still emotionally committed to me. I know there are a number of asexuals who consider themselves polyamorous and have more flexible romantic and sexual relationships with their partners.
Oh God, I sound like an unabashed romantic. I'm being vague because I'm honestly not sure how far I'd go. At the very least I can say that I don't expect the other person to deny his sexuality for the sake of mine; that's just unfair. I honestly doubt I'll ever meet an asexual man who'd be interested in me. Asexuals are 1% of the population, and there are more women than men. There's an even greater stigma against asexual men (unless they're APA, I guess) because there's this whole machismo attitude they're expected to have about sex; I'd like to think that there are more asexual men in the closet out there, but I doubt any of them are coming out anytime soon.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-04-16 08:05 am (UTC)Anyways, I was wondering if your being uninterested translates into more of an apathy towards sex, as in you could care less whether you have it or not, it's not important in the least, you don't desire it but don't hate it. Or does it translate more into a thing where you don't want to have sex. Do you see the delineation I'm trying to draw? This is possibly a question you may not know the answer to.
And furthermore, (I have a ton of questions, I know), I'm kind of curious about where romance ends and sex drive begins, if that makes any sense. For example, is kissing something that does not interest you either? Or can it be very romantic?
And finally, I should probably mention that I decided to start being nosy about the exact nature of your asexuality because of your article, and also because I was wondering whether Saturday night was a whimsical-fun-type thing, or whether you were trying to make a statement, whether you were just trying to fit in with all of the drunk people, or whether it was a Daniel-thing.
Once again, please feel free to not answer any questions if they are too personal, to choose to answer them in person when we next get a chance, to delete this comment if it gets too personal, etc., as you see fit.