islanded in a stream of stars

Written in response to this post by Dr. Robert Firestone on the decline of psychoanalysis and depth therapy, because I have quite a few critical issues with psychoanalysis and don't see enough debate questioning the validity of psychoanalysis.

I know that Psychology Today is pop lit and isn't exactly the most legitimate source around, but I feel that it's important to address some of the perspectives on the blogs because the truth is that there are quite a few who actually believe the crud written on the site. Not that I'm a clinical psychologist or even an expert in the filed by any means, but sometimes you need someone providing sensible comments.

( Pretentious ramblings of a mere undergrad )

It's been demonstrated that particles have a definite position while waves have indefinite position expressed in probabilities. At the same time, David Pincus writes that in "the act of observing a wave turns it into a particle...it is impossible to ever know the position AND the momentum of a particle at the same time." New studies suggest that observing matter not only affects the substance of the particle (particle or wave) as it is now, but how it is measured in the future affects the outcome of the measurement in the past. Simplified, the future can change the past. Basically, if you're going to read anything today, you must read this blog post about physics and psychology because it has mind blowing implications about things like the universe having consciousness.

So if the mere act of observation does affect of the nature of a particle, and we're all made up of particles, then we still effect change, however subtle, even if we're "just watching" objects and events from a distance. The acts of faith vs. a life of contemplation debate stemming from early Christianity (I'm not sure about other religions - I think it also applies to Buddhism) may be less insoluble than we thought. As well-meaning professors and textbooks try to convince us, the ideal of observational/correlational research is not just to develop and test theories but to apply the findings of the research for practical uses. One potential philosophical ramnification is that observation could actually allows us to bend time and space, that perhaps all those ivory tower intellectuals possess greater powers other than illuminating our knowledge of how things are as they are now.

Someone please correct me if I'm making erroneous conclusions and misunderstanding all of this.

I'd like to think that I've pioneered the "procrastinate by doing other work" method because I only really have my history of physiology paper left to do and a really short paper on career development theory. Except for the first time ever (seriously - I think I might've been the only person in AP Euro my year who did ALL of the supplemental reading), I didn't actually do all of the reading for one of my classes just because there's no feasible way of reading three books of Nietzsche, two Decadent novels, C.S. Lewis's Til We Have Faces and all of Freud's Civilization and Its Discontents in a three week time span with two presentations, five papers of varying lengths and five finals, three of which are take home. Strangely enough, I don't feel terribly guilty as I don't know of anyone else, even my roommate, who's had time to do all of the reading, either. I have to admit, the class has really grown on me - the professor is the only one I've come across who doesn't use any notes, can consistently keep everyone's attention and actually address all of the random questions students throw at him without deflecting any. We ended up having an interesting discussion after class on Monday about what the Decadents would have thought of dystopian science fiction. Thanks to the f-list, I was able to not sound like a total airhead. I swear, anything I know about culture has come from Livejournal - I'd never be able to pick up on all of his Firefly and Buffy references otherwise.

For the educators on the f-list: from a student's perspective, take home midterms are only less stressful when you're given the same amount of time to finish the exam that you would've been given if the exam was held in class. If you have to write at least a page-long response for seven questions and you're supposed to cite specific lecture note dates and pages in the reading, then trust me, it's more stressful. Take home exams are generally a bad idea if they follow not long after the deadline of a major paper (page length > 5 pages). Just something to keep in mind next time you devise your syllabi...

I've come to the conclusion that I rely on luck far more than any sane person should to get work done; if my physiology professor hadn't granted everyone an extension until next Wednesday, I'd be sunk. But from a terribly egocentric point of view, much of luck is setting up the likelihood of situations to be in your favor, or learning to predict the probability of certain events and preparing yourself to capitalize on those moments.

On the whole, I've feel like I've learned more than I ever have this semester. Generally all of the classes I've taken have been pretty good, and the ones I'm taking now are no exception, although I'll be really glad to be done with the honors core requirements soon. But just having the opportunities to spend time with peers and learn from them - now that's been the most rewarding. I really cut back on activities last spring just because I was so burnt out from the fall, but the stuff I did and continue to do is rather solitary. Doing research has only deepened my interest in psychology, but as the perpetual observer-scientist you feel distanced from the interactions and behaviors you're supposed to be analyzing. Sure, you gain perspective. And all of the admissions recruiting stuff is a lot of fun (they actually think you know what you're talking about), but the interactions with prospective students are fleeting. That, and you never really know if your individual contributions actually make a difference in helping them figure out where they want to go for college.

What's been the most incredible was being a TA for CIRCLE. Sure, there's the incredibly pretentious satisfaction of being able to tell people, "I basically taught a non-credit seminar called Critical Issues in Race, Class and Leadership Education," but I'm not kidding you when I say I can't believe I got paid to do a job I would've gladly done for free. Even from my brief work experience so far, I think I can safely say the people you work with make or break your job satisfaction, and the APASS office has become my second home on campus. I was so lucky to have a great group of students in my discussion group and Sumi, the head of the department, to be our faculty facilitator, and on the whole my co-TA and I had a good work dynamic. After participating in this program last fall, I've gained a new perspective on how people slowly absorb new views on how institutional barriers relating to race, socioeconomic status, gender and sexual orientation really play out in this country and how cultural factors facilitate our understanding of these issues. Retreat three weekends ago was really intense - I've never seen so many people cry as they began to intellectually and emotionally work out how damaging these prejudices can be. But it was incredibly worthwhile to learn about the experiences of those who've grown up in much more diverse circumstances and who haven't been sheltered as I have their entire lives. Thankfully I didn't run into any situations where I couldn't answer participant's question, although Sumi fielded a lot of the complex academic stuff; I was able to pull a lot of stuff from research and some of my course readings. I really am excited to see what these kids (funny I should call them kids when at least half of them are my age or older and the other half's but a year younger) end up doing and how they take action on these issues.

Each year I tell myself that life can't get any more mind-bogglingly complex and maddening, and each year I'm proven wrong. That's not necessarily a bad thing, although there are times when I think I might literally keel over from exhaustion. Emotionally, I keep being stretched in all directions and have to constantly evaluate whether or not I can actually do what I'm supposed to do. I know I've disappointed a lot of people as I try to figure out what my limits are, but you have to learn to compartamentalize and find a way of separating the emotional from duty so that you can function. In a funny way, though, the most effective way of building up resiliance is when you don't think you have a way out.

Once again I have to figure out what the heck I'm doing next semester and the year after and the year after. My course schedule; the big debate is work vs. research or some combination of both. I'll still be volunteering with admissions and copy-editing writing for a quarterly news magazine (which, really, is less work than it sounds) although I'm really tempted to become a weekly columnist for The Daily Trojan. There's this other part of me that just wants to veg out and get back to finishing all of the scraps of writing littering my desktop, but the only thing I get out of that is personal satisfaction, and I'm afraid it won't be any help when applying to grad school and looking for jobs. I actually had something of a social life this semester, which was a first, and I don't know if I'm willing to give that up although with CIRCLE being over I suspect my opportunities to spend time with a more diverse crowd will greatly diminish. At the same time, I'd like to claim back more time for myself for no particularly noble reason other than to relax and recollect myself. But then I look at everyone around me and think wow, if they can handle everything, then why can't you?

And now for some study break stuff, although I should finish editing this paper due at noon today.

Recommended by st_crispins: Scorcese paying homage in a Hitchcock parody for a champagne commercial

Seriously, this is the only time where I've watched a commercial more than once and couldn't stop laughing. Unfortunately, I don't spend enough time with the cinema students anymore.

If anyone's curious, the musical cues used from North by Northwest as played by the orchestra are:

Cheers
The Elevator (up to 0:11), briefly interrupted an unidentified bridge passage reusing the fandango fragment, quickly cuts into
The U.N.
The Information Desk (intro played a little slower in the Scorcese film)
Unidentified cue when the lightbulb's broken (the closest I can come up with is "The Balcony," but I think for this orchestral suite it's just a bridge passage)
The Knife (the brief introduction recaptiulation of the fandango prelude when Thornhill's running away from the U.N.), quick transition into the end part of the fandango of The Wild Ride
The Reunion
Finale (roughly the end 0:30-0:46; the orchestral recording for the Scorcese film is the most different from the original score recording as the former is a little more legato on the love theme but draws out the concluding notes a little more slowly)

On another film music-related note, I'm not a member of doctorwho, but I know someone there was looking for the lyrics for "My Angel Put The Devil In Me" - seeing as Doctor Who is the most popular show on my f-list, I was wondering if someone could pass the link to this entry with my transcription of the lyrics as non-members can't post? Thanks!

( My Angel Put The Devil In Me )

Argh - the new LJ draft recovery system isn't perfect as the vast majority of what I wrote before.

I've always felt more comfortable conducting interviews rather than being the subject of one, thanks to working on the paper for five years. Being put on the visiting speakers beat for 3-4 years gave me a lot of opportunities to talk to fascinating people from diverse backgrounds outside of their official settings; I was happy to see that Lalita Tademy has just come out with a promising sophomore historical novel, Red River. I've only had one less than favorable encounter with a pretentious, insecure Harvard and Oxford grad pole vaulting champion trying to be the next Dan Brown thriller writer. melee_melo, you know who I'm talking about; he's the guy who wrote that ''cult'' mystery.

Yesterday morning between classes I interviewed a few students being considered for the 4-year full tuition scholarship.  (malbal55.)  Being on the evaluation side of that process now now - it's like when I was 6 and tried walking around in my mother's high-heeled pumps for the first time.  Each candidate is evaluated by a professor, an admissions staff member and a student.  It's just a little intimidating to think that you have some input in giving someone over $120,000.  I wouldn't call myself a professional by any means, but I am glad that I had some interviewing experience before joining the interview teams.

It seems terribly obvious, but interviews are a two-way street; if the dialogue is being dominated by one person, whether they be the interviewer or interviewee, you should correct that imbalance.  Doing your background research and brushing up on the news headlines are a must, of course, but the most important part with evaluative interviews is to establish a sense of connection as well as present your qualifications in a fresh way.  No one person is the sole subject of the interview - if you have enough time, i.e. more than 15 minutes, there should be a balance in how much the interviewers and interviewees have to say.  It's cynical but true - people love to talk about themselves or are at least flattered that you show an interest in what they have to say about an issue.  Looking back at when I did my interview, I know I wasn't the most qualified candidate out there, but I was really lucky in that I had interviewers who were easy to connect to and who were giving of themselves.  It doesn't really matter in the long-run if you understand everything that the other person is saying; the point is that you're genuinely curious and attentive about what the other person is thinking.

What tripped up some of the candidates yesterday was that they were so nervous about presenting themselves that they didn't take into account the 'connection' factor.  I tried smiling and nodding a lot to help put the candidates at ease before throwing them a curve ball question; they tend to be more candid when they underestimate you.  I've forgotten that people my age tend to maintain eye contact longer with adults who ask them questions than with their peers.  Most of the candidates tended to ignore me unless I directly questioned them, but they probably asked their hosts a lot of questions already.  But that's already a big no-no; if you're being interviewed by several people, you should address your responses to all of them or at least change whom you're addressing for each question.

Unfortunately, they don't seem to realize that it's important to form a connection with as many of their interviewers as possible, not just the adults.  There are students there for a reason - they're key in judging how good of a fit the candidate is overall for the university.  Call me a rampant egotist, but if you plan on attending college, you need to be able to relate and work with your fellow students as well as your professors and the administration.  Telling me on paper that you're a team player and good at communicating and working with your peers just doesn't cut it if you can't do so in an unfamiliar situation.

I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for the next two batches of interviews I'm doing.  But I'd like to think that I'm generally pretty fair and forgiving, and I don't mean to say that the candidates I encountered were antisocial jerks by any means.  They're just inexperienced, and unfortunately it shows.

And now, for something completely different.

Music Meme

List seven songs you are into right now, no matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now. Post these instructions in your livejournal along with your seven songs. Then tag seven other people to see what they're listening to.

1. First Season Main Title (Revised) - The Man from UNCLE - Jerry Goldsmith
2. Generique Stephane - The Science of Sleep - Jean-Michel Bernard
3. I Will Wait For You - Les Parapluies de Cherbourg - Michel Legrand
4. Les Lunettes Magiques - Jeux d'Enfants - Phillippe Rombi
5. Alicia Discovers Nash's Dark World - A Beautiful Mind - James Horner
6. Toccata for Toy Trains - Elmer Bernstein
7. Wichta Sutra Vortex - Philip Glass

Tagged: anyone who feels like doing this meme

Do I actually detect some fragments of melody in Philip Glass's Notes On A Scandal score? My knowledge of music theory is virtually nonexistent, but this definitely isn't his old school minimalism. If this and snow in Malibu doesn't indicate that there's something freaky going on in the world, I don't know what is.

I'm also starting to understand why film critics panned the score for being too overwrought and taking the edge off of some potentially black comedy. Glass is definitely capable of great subtlety - the Hours and Glassworks are some of my favorite works of his characterized by this more reflective tone - but it sounds like he's gone with a La Belle et le Bête-ish approach here.  There are some moments highly reminiscent of the Hours, though the orchestration sounds much fuller and the tone more dissonant.

To continue with the film music ramblings, I've come across an original recording of Elmer Bernstein's the Man with the Golden Arm title theme. The website also has some great recordings of pieces from different film scores performed by the Hollywood Symphony Orchestra Society; I recommend Miklos Rozsa's lovely El Cid. 
blofeldscat
, please forgive my ignorance in not knowing where to put the accent marks.

Much to my delight, I've found an affordable recording of Bernstein's 'Toccata for Toy Trains' - I almost typed 'Toycatta' there. There's a re-recording conducted by the composer on the FSM-released Elmer Bernstein's Film Music Collection, but the Eames Brothers film compilation contains the gem, 'Westinghouse in Alphabetical Order,' which was written as musical accompaniment for a stock holders' meeting to look over company merchandise!  Now if I could find a recording of either of Bernstein's stage musicals, Merlin and How Now, Dow Jones or John Barry's Lolita, My Love...

Picture an asexual having an intellectual orgasm, and you'll have a good idea of what it was like to hear Jon Burlingame's presentation on the legendary film composer Elmer Bernstein (see the icon).

It feels hyperbolic yet somehow also reductionist to say that I owe a lot to Elmer Bernstein. I've said this before and I'll say it again: his score for To Kill A Mockingbird is what made me fall in love with film music. And if it weren't for To Kill A Mockingbird, I doubt that I wouldn't have written an essay good enough to be considered for my scholarship. In a strangely removed way, Elmer Bernstein has brought me to where I am now.

Burlingame gave one of the best talks I've been lucky enough to hear, sprinkling in personal anecdotes about the composer as well as serious background about the groundbreaking aspects of Bernstein's music. Burlingame balanced the fine line of introducing enough information to those unacquainted with the composer while engaging Bernstein fans with a behind the scenes look at film music history. Interspersed in Burlingame's talk were some appreciative comments from Bernstein's various collaborators in the film industry as well as a few interview clips with the composer himself. Sound and video clips from the scores he was discussing (including the only unofficial videorecording in existence of a number from Merlin) enhanced the lecture. I was intrigued to hear more about Bernstein's forays into scoring TV shows and documentaries, writing musicals (How Now, Dow Jones and Merlin) and composing concert works such as his Concerto for Guitar and Orchestra, commissioned by Christopher Parkening. Burlingame also touched upon Bernstein's "graylisted" period and his influence in allowing film and TV composers to retain the rights to their music. I had never realized the extent of Bernstein's involvement in the film and music industries and how beloved he was.

Some random, interesting things I took away from the talk: Bernstein's classic Magnificent Seven theme is actually based on his work on the Burt Reynolds TV show Riverboat, a sort of hybrid of his previous thematic material incorporated with Mexican folk music. Toccata for Toy Trains is easily one of the most delightful music compositions for documentaries I've ever heard. And James Coburn's remark that Bernstein did more for his career as a result of the memorability of the Magnificent Seven and the Great Escape made me smile.

Alas, my recap does no justice to Burlingame's storytelling skills and the real sense of who Bernstein was; it's no wonder that Burlingame is as great of a journalist as he is. Seriously, there were several other watery-eyed women at the end of the presentation; we were all that struck by Burlingame's whimsical depiction the composer. It's not too surprising, then, that Burlingame seems to have quite the fan club; at least five of the attendees had come on campus just for this event. I was the only undergraduate student present; the others in the audience seemed to be members of "Friends of the Doheny Library" speaker series.

I was so nervous introducing myself that I started talking in an accent. (I have no idea why. It was as if I was trying to do a parody of my mother's old BBC announcer accent.) It was amazing that he could figure out anything that I was saying at all.

If all goes well, I'll have coffee or lunch with Burlingame sometime in November and discuss film music, particularly the Man from UNCLE soundtracks. Hopefully by then my speech patterns will stick to the North American continent instead of drowning in the middle of the Atlantic.

[/pretentious fangirling]

(On a different note, I'm trying to think of sufficiently intelligent responses to all of your thought-provoking comments about the supergirl dilemna. I swear I'm not ignoring you!)

Like the eponymous character of Marcel Ayme's short story, "Les Sabines," I would like nothing more than to be able to duplicate myself at a moment's notice and have my identical sisters, sharing one consciousness, live out all of the scenarios and play all their respective personas. No one's ever just one person-there are so many facets of a personality yet never enough time to really polish and display every side at once. Put much more simply, there are too many things I want to do, but I just don't have the energy to play out all these parts.

Sometimes I really don't quite know why I made the choices that I have (*cough* college */cough*) And that's OK, I guess. My problem is that I tend to come up with too many supporting and detracting points for each side that the arithmetic of persuasion cancels out to nothing; it is lucky or mysteriously convenient, then, that I've gotten really good at rationalizing my actions and judgements. I'm neither terribly happy or unhappy about my decision; I figure once I get to campus I'll find some quirky subculture or three in which to entrench myself.

I only get this pretentiously cryptic when I'm really sleep deprived, as I am right now.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really have enough hot weather clothes as I donated a lot of my old T-shirts and such a few weeks ago as they're too small now. How hot is it usually in LA in the fall?

I just got my AP scores back-they're all 5's! How the heck did that happen with calculus?!
[/gloating]

And apparently I can read at 475 words/minute with a 64% comprehension rate, which sounds a little low for me. You can take the test here.

( Random memes )

Ingredients for an Alias episode:

Intertwining storylines: check
Random conspiracies: check (I don't know if I've ever publicly shared my dishwashing gloves theory, have I?)
Journalists checking out a vague sort of conspiracy theory: check, if you loosely define "conspiracy"
Having to work on multiple missions/assignments all at once for fear of being killed/tortured by superiors: check. Newspaper editors behind schedule are SCARY.
Occasionally freaky family dynamics: half a check?
Having issues balancing public and private lives: check
Surveillance measures: half a check? There was a random bunch of people around the shared driveway with my neighbors' house taking pictures of said house for reasons unknown, and said house is right across from mine. I personally suspect it has to do with the whole armed robbery thing, and that these spectators are morbidly curious neighbors who have come to feast upon misfortune.
Outrageous disguises complete with wigs: I'll have to work on that one

My life is bearing a really eerie resemblance.

I've felt a little like that Mad TV spoof of Alias-where does Sydney Bristow get all of that time to go to grad school, save the world but actually work for the opposition, actually save the world while having to disguise these heroic activities from the opposition, keep her best friend from discovering the opposition as well as help open up her roommate's restaurant? I need those time management skills! I've been working on at least four different articles for two different publications in a mad process of interviewing, writing, rewriting and editing this afternoon and the distinctions between all of the stories are starting to get really blurry. I have seriously earned newfound respect for professional journalists whose word counts are longer than 600 words and have to do more research for their stories on just as short deadlines. I haven't even finished layout for my own paper yet because InDesign wouldn't open on the first two computers I was working on and then claimed that Times New Roman as a font didn't exist and started highlighting all of the text boxes in this awful shade of salmon pink.

I carried on my longest interview ever with the school counselor for my eating disorders article; as I spent an hour instead of twenty minutes talking to her with eyepiece_simile accompanying me, I missed an appointment. Time flies when you're talking about misperceptions of bulemia. It was a very informative interview, certainly, but I'm starting to wonder how I'm going to incorporate all of these perspectives I'm getting in 800 words when I can think of even more people I should to talk to. My story angle keeps on making multiple revolutions around the unit circle.

That was a bad attempt at a math joke. I'll shut up now.

( The rest of this entry dissolves into self-centered tripe; read with caution )

I saw this question on a community today: How do you forgive without giving in?

I'm curious as to how others would respond.

I'm not quite sure what "not giving in" means. I am very much of the forgive and forget school; we have all made mistakes, and who are we to say that someone else is in the wrong and we are totally absolved ourselves? There are many little things that I do that probably annoy/disappoint/frustrate others, but people don't hold those against me, or at least to my knowledge. So why should I begrudge others?

I don't see the point in wasting one's feelings on being angry and hurt; life is short enough, so why not spend as much of that time as possible being happy and making others happy? I think society spends too much time wondering where others went wrong; what I prefer to focus on is what I can do to avoid future situations that are harmful for everyone. To quote John F. Kennedy, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country." In many cases I think it's very tempting for people to shove responsabilities for their own failures on others instead of finding ways to correct the root of the problem in their own behavior.

To be honest I am rather naive, and I'm sure there's great potential for people to take advantage of me in the future. I'm lucky that hasn't happened to me yet. I don't mean to present myself as a paragon of moral superiority, either; no one has ever caused me to truly suffer as a result of his/her actions. I have never been a victim of cruelty where forgiveness would be much more difficult to grant. I just try to avoid hurting others, and I like to think that I'm doing a decent job. I find it it extremely difficult to be angry at anyone for longer than ten minutes (and that's long at that; usually my threshold is two minutes) because most of the things that anger me are merely annoying as well as trivial. There's no point in wasting my thoughts and feelings on them; I've got better things to do with my time. Most things are not worth destroying a relationship for. We are all deserving of forgiveness, but self-absolution is not for granted.