coming to a bathroom stall near you...
Oct. 3rd, 2005 10:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
theladyroseI'm currently attempting to adapt my Number 86's guide from several months ago into shorter segments appropriate for bathroom stall reading. If anyone has any interesting pearls of wisdom that are applicable to at least three spy series or more, I'd greatly appreciate it!
The Secret Agent’s Guidebook:
(Useful Tidbits of Knowledge Culled from At Least 5 Fictional Spy Series)
1. Scientists and inventors should never be trusted. Even those with innocuous intentions create some sort of deadly weapon that gets into the wrong hands from either sale or theft. They tend to be killed after they have outlived their usefulness.
2. All transcontinental and international flights take no more than ten minutes no matter what the distance.
3. Any safe can be broken within a minute or less.
4. Your spouse is either a double agent and/or will be shot to death in the near future. If they’re in neither position, then you’re next on the hit list.
5. There is no such thing as an ordinary wristwatch. At the very least it will contain a high-power laser.
6. At least once during a mission you’ll be dancing with the enemy at a fancy dress party.
7. Don’t worry about dying in any plane crashes; you’ll go through at least two in your career.
8. Surgeons, podiatrists, ophthalmologists, and dentists are either enemy or double agents. Never enter their offices.
9. When you go undercover in a suburban village, know that this village is really a training camp for Russian spies.
10. Men who enjoy classical music are villains.
11. The opposition will either clone you/swap minds with you at least once.
12. Beware of men in wheelchairs, especially if they’re petting white Persian cats.
13. You will never die in a car crash even if it does explode while you’re still in it.
14. If you’re in an office of someone other than your boss with a world map, then the person in that office is definitely an enemy agent.
15. No enemy agent ever dies of a heart attack/car crash/other accident.
16. Every agent has a Russian equivalent of the opposite gender no matter which organization you work for.
17. Anyone who owns a castle and/or a suit of armor is definitely an enemy agent.
18. You will never die jumping out of a glass window.
19. Female agents will have to dive from an insane height while fully clothed during at least one mission.
20. In the rare chance that a woman is killed, there will never be any blood on her clothing even if she's shot. The exception to this is if you work for the CIA or the woman is a formerly suicidal Italian countess.
21. Any woman who invites you over to her apartment is out to kill you.
22. Come to think of it, anyone who invites you over for dinner plans to torture and/or kill you.
23. You haven’t become a real field agent until someone’s drugged your drink.
24. None of your male contacts will ever be Canadian.
25. Singers are to be viewed with utmost suspicion.
26. There is no such thing as an ugly hotel receptionist.
27. If you see a red convertible, it’s owned by a woman.
28. You will never die when in front of a firing squad.
29. If someone asks you to carry a book for them, then there’s a microdot with the hidden message dictating the particulars of an upcoming assassination.
30. If you’re involved in a fight on a train, don’t be surprised when you find yourself dangling off the edge of a cargo net with the storage doors open.
31. Anyone who owns an aquarium is a villain.
32. The best places to hide when a troupe of enemy agents storm in are in air/heating ducts, haystacks (if you’re in a barn) and kitchen cupboards.
(Useful Tidbits of Knowledge Culled from At Least 5 Fictional Spy Series)
1. Scientists and inventors should never be trusted. Even those with innocuous intentions create some sort of deadly weapon that gets into the wrong hands from either sale or theft. They tend to be killed after they have outlived their usefulness.
2. All transcontinental and international flights take no more than ten minutes no matter what the distance.
3. Any safe can be broken within a minute or less.
4. Your spouse is either a double agent and/or will be shot to death in the near future. If they’re in neither position, then you’re next on the hit list.
5. There is no such thing as an ordinary wristwatch. At the very least it will contain a high-power laser.
6. At least once during a mission you’ll be dancing with the enemy at a fancy dress party.
7. Don’t worry about dying in any plane crashes; you’ll go through at least two in your career.
8. Surgeons, podiatrists, ophthalmologists, and dentists are either enemy or double agents. Never enter their offices.
9. When you go undercover in a suburban village, know that this village is really a training camp for Russian spies.
10. Men who enjoy classical music are villains.
11. The opposition will either clone you/swap minds with you at least once.
12. Beware of men in wheelchairs, especially if they’re petting white Persian cats.
13. You will never die in a car crash even if it does explode while you’re still in it.
14. If you’re in an office of someone other than your boss with a world map, then the person in that office is definitely an enemy agent.
15. No enemy agent ever dies of a heart attack/car crash/other accident.
16. Every agent has a Russian equivalent of the opposite gender no matter which organization you work for.
17. Anyone who owns a castle and/or a suit of armor is definitely an enemy agent.
18. You will never die jumping out of a glass window.
19. Female agents will have to dive from an insane height while fully clothed during at least one mission.
20. In the rare chance that a woman is killed, there will never be any blood on her clothing even if she's shot. The exception to this is if you work for the CIA or the woman is a formerly suicidal Italian countess.
21. Any woman who invites you over to her apartment is out to kill you.
22. Come to think of it, anyone who invites you over for dinner plans to torture and/or kill you.
23. You haven’t become a real field agent until someone’s drugged your drink.
24. None of your male contacts will ever be Canadian.
25. Singers are to be viewed with utmost suspicion.
26. There is no such thing as an ugly hotel receptionist.
27. If you see a red convertible, it’s owned by a woman.
28. You will never die when in front of a firing squad.
29. If someone asks you to carry a book for them, then there’s a microdot with the hidden message dictating the particulars of an upcoming assassination.
30. If you’re involved in a fight on a train, don’t be surprised when you find yourself dangling off the edge of a cargo net with the storage doors open.
31. Anyone who owns an aquarium is a villain.
32. The best places to hide when a troupe of enemy agents storm in are in air/heating ducts, haystacks (if you’re in a barn) and kitchen cupboards.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-04 07:06 am (UTC)34. When you type something on the keyboard - the letters appear on the screen with cheesy electronic chirps.
I'd like to take credit 4 these, but the fact is - I saw them somewhere on tne net
:))
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-05 12:05 am (UTC)If you do ever remember where you found them, do tell :D
(no subject)
Date: 2005-10-05 04:12 am (UTC)http://www.livejournal.com/users/volk1ok/9996.html