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59. If there's classical music playing, something sinister is going on. Villains like listening to classical music because they think it sounds classy and/or can play things like Ravel's "Bolero" really loudly to cover up the sound of a gunshot (although that also works for other kinds of music). Marches and waltzes are only played in remote places in the middle of the ocean, i.e. on an oil rig.
60. You will be sealed alive in a coffin at least once, but your colleagues will always find you; you're not Beatrix Kiddo, so you don't have to kick your way out. If you're in a crematorium committed to the flames, you can save yourself if your enemy agents discover that you handed over fake diamonds to them. Then again, agents also have been buried alive for using diamonds as payment so you probably want to stick with cash from now on. If you're supposed to be in a funeral home, your partner will hand you some champagne to while away the time.
61. The tech/gadgets guy will save you in the field when you turn rogue agent to pursue a personal revenge mission or if the rest of your colleagues are in lockdown.
62. If you're female, you'll have to do a really high dive on a mission. If you're unlucky (which is probably the case), you won't have a bathing suit on you. Sorry.
63. British generals can always be trusted, even if their personal lives can be a bit sketchy. Russian ones tend to be wild cards.
64. Female spies drive sports cars. If they're especially classy, they've got convertibles.
65. Agents never die in car accidents. They're either kidnapped and are supposed to be presumed dead to the outside world, or they've staged the accident to throw off suspicion.
66. Most agents are lousy dancers unless they work for the Ministry of Defense, in which case they may have to go undercover as dance instructors. Female agents typically specialize in more exotic styles i.e. Arabic or Cuban.
67. The only agents who know Asian languages work for the CIA or MI6. Only the CIA agents speak them, though.
68. If you looked great in black and white, color probably doesn't suit you as well.
69. If the opposition has "dealt with" someone, that person is guaranteed to be dead. If you "deal with" someone, you're either negotiating some deal involving buying some sort of weapon or decoder/finding employment within their organization as a mole or you've knocked them out over the head. If you're in the CIA, you're more likely to kill off henchmen types.
70. You will find yourself at some sort of ninja warrior school owned by the opposition at least twice. You'll be asked/forced into showing off your karate moves at least once.
71. You'll imitate one of the opposition's voices at least once to lure your prety into a trap, and even if your phony accent isn't so great they'll fall for it anyway.
72. If there's a world map in someone's office who isn't your superior, then that person can be safely assumed to be a member of the opposition.
73. You never carry around your real passport with you. Your department can and will supply you with a plethora of fakes guaranteed to fool passport officials. Police officers in foreign countries are more likely to see through your cover and may threaten to deport you, but you don't need to worry about them interfering too much in your assignment.
74. There's no such thing as an ordinary toilet kit. Toilet kits are perfect for disguising gadgets and explosives and such without arousing suspicion when passing through airports. Electric cordless razors (no agent uses any other kind) should actually be able to be used for shaving, though, because you will actually need to use it for that purpose.
75. Anyone who prefers a certain kind of smoke, i.e. Cuban cigars or Russian or Turkish cigarettes, is very dangerous.
76. You will never be injured when jumping through a glass window. The opposition will.
77. Female Japanese agents will appear in a kimono at least once during a mission. They are also capable of swimming long distances.
78. Come to think of it, all of the Asian women you come across are experts in some form of martial arts.
79. Speedboats are your friends, unless you're being pursued by a helicopter and/or a white weather balloon.
80. If you do go to Japan, you will either visit Tokyo or some remote island populated by fishermen and ama pearl divers.

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theladyrose

June 2010

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