theladyrose (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
theladyrose) wrote2005-03-21 09:48 pm
theladyrose) wrote2005-03-21 09:48 pm
Entry tags:
also known as proof that I've seen way too many spy series in a short period of time
Number 86's guide for secret agents (to be an ongoing feature in my ever-abundant spare time based on all of those spy shows I've watched, which amounts to an embarrassing many):
Note: Some things may seem racist. Unfortunately cult spy series during the 60's weren't always politically correct, so the generalizations may or may not be offensive to you.
Things you can expect while on assignment:
1. There's no such thing as an agent who can't hold his/her liquor. People will offer you drinks on a regular basis, and while it's acceptable to turn them down you might be missing an opportunity to show off your knowledge of fine liqueurs which will demonstrate to the opposition how worthy of an opponent you are. It's helpful to pretend that you're drunk to trick your enemies, but you must be careful that they don't actually slip in poison or a sleeping tablet. Should you find the word "poison" written on a slip of paper stuck to the bottom of your drink, ingest as much alcohol in the shortest timespan possible and get rid of the toxins the "natural" way.
2. Besides drinking, you'll probably also smoking a lot to maintain cover. Even if you don't smoke, it's helpful to have a lighter around as a method of identifying contacts or taking pictures. That, and there are a fair number of enemies who own cigar factories/frequent cigar smoking clubs, so you better take a few puffs if you're a guy if you want to shed off the clean living good guy vibe. Plus, you can always use cigarettes to fire tear gas bombs/killer darts. Cigarette boxes are also good for passing on secret messages and disguising small explosives. Beware passing off your boss's humidor to a co-worker, and do NOT ask them to follow evasion pattern 8 if you do.
3. If you're a man, women will latch onto you like leeches (well, maybe not so much like real leeches) on a regular basis. So don't worry about staying single. You can't have any long-lasting committed relationships, though, unless you happen to work for the British Ministry of Defense or the CIA.
4. If you're a woman, you will dress up in some outrageously entertaining costumes while on assignment. Don't forget your wigs. It's amazing what you can get done when people assume that you're just eyecandy.
5. Female Chinese agents are always double agents, so it's a bad idea to trust them. The exception is if they are masquerading as prostitutes or if they're working for the (Chinese) People's External Security force. Be warned : if they invite you over to their apartments, they plan on either torturing you or killing you.
6. African-American agents of either gender within your own department, however, are always trustworthy and very loyal. The male ones occasionally get killed when helping you out, though. You should only doubt their motives if they pose as your spouse without alerting you to their cover beforehand.
7. Secret agent marriages don't work out. There's the whole keeping secrets from each other bit that can damper emotional intimacy; your spouse is probably a double agent anyway, and your enemies will try to target your spouse for assassination if (s)he isn't already working for them. If you do want to keep your spouse alive long enough to celebrate your 20th wedding anniversary, don't tell them that you're a spy or let them drive a car. If you are lucky enough to have a heterosexual relationship with a significant other for a relatively long period of time, that significant other's spouse will most likely turn out not to be lost in the Amazonian tropical forests at a very inconvenient time. That, or you'll visit your nearly forgotten fiancée after you've accidentally switched bodies with some other guy.
8. Every secret agent has a Russian equivalent of the opposite gender no matter which department you work for unless you're based out of New York. The vast majority of them have British accents.
9. You don't really need to carry a gun unless you work in the US. The opposition will always be armed, so all you have to do is beat up the opposition and then take their gun to interrogate them. That way you avoid less suspicion if they decide to frisk you. Very rarely do you end up firing it unless you're an American. You need to be a good rifle shot, though, in order to impress friends and gain the trust of the opposition.
10. In the rare chance that a woman is killed, there will never be any blood on her clothing even if she's shot. The exception to this is if you work for the CIA or the woman in question is a formerly suicidal Italian countess.
11. The people you're out to bamboozle/kill/bring down are always called the opposition. They don't need a nationality; if you're working for the British government, they probably have ties with the Russians, anyway.
12. Everyone can be bribed to do whatever you want if you work for M-9. Bribery often works if you're a secret agent working for a different organization, but the success isn't guaranteed. Whatever the case , hope that your department supplies you with enough money because you're going through your personal expense account fast enough as it is.
13. You'll end up in a casino sometime in your career unless you work for the British Ministry of Defense. All agents are excellent gamblers, so if you do lose you only do it so that the opposition underestimates you. That, or you're dreaming.
14. No secret agent wears a watch that doesn't have at least one nifty gadget embedded in it. What's the point of having a watch if it only tells time?
15. Female agents will have to do something outrageous with their hair at least once; it's a pity that "drastic haircuts" aren't mentioned in the job description. Either that, or they end up masquerading as a man by tucking their hair underneath a cap.
16. Someone will attempt to masquerade as you at least once. Most likely there will be some kind of mind-swapping device or identical twin generator involved. Have fun convincing your bosses that you really are you because the opposition has some really nasty conditioning and brainwashing techniques that they're dying to test.
17. You have to be able to fly a plane and/or a helicopter. You'll end up dodging people shooting at you from helicopters and/or planes at least once during your career. No matter how good of a pilot you are, you'll end up in a crashing plane at least once, more likely twice. Don't worry; you will never be seriously injured or end up dead no matter how dire the circumstances may seem at first.
18. You will be tortured by the opposition and undergoing some really nasty interrogations at least twice. You have your own ways of not revealing information, but if you do you always tell them lies anyway. Someone will come in to rescue you just when things look like they're going to get really bad, so hang in there.
19. Don't expect to have much of a private life outside of the office. You're travelling away on missions quite a bit of the time, and your bosses have no compunctions about randomly appearing in your home to give you your latest assignments. Your relationships are pretty much an open book, too, so do try to learn to be discreet if you don't want to become blackmail fodder for the opposition. You have enough fun trying to clean up the messes for your own side as it is.
20. At least one of the villains you come across will either live in a castle or have a suit of armor in his/her home. They probably have an obsession with torture, particularly if it's kinky, and/or is a part of their family ancestry. Humor them until you can steal an old weapon off the wall.
21. You'll be locked up in a prison cell at least twice; if you work for UNCLE then I hope you're into bondage because you or your partner will be tied up/locked away at least once a mission. This is to be expected, and you will always be able to free yourself without help from others. Methods for escape will be discussed later.
22. Female communist agents meeting you for the first time will inevitably rant about your embodiment of the decadence of Western capitalism. The exception is for cypher clerks who once aspired to be ballerinas but now work in Istanbul.
23. People defect from Russia because they want to enjoy the decadence of Western capitalism. Defectors are almost always male.
To be continued when I'm less screwed for a pending bioH quiz. Eee-urp!
(If you got that last reference, then you're a real Avengers fan :D)
And this amused me as it's vaguely related:
Note: Some things may seem racist. Unfortunately cult spy series during the 60's weren't always politically correct, so the generalizations may or may not be offensive to you.
Things you can expect while on assignment:
1. There's no such thing as an agent who can't hold his/her liquor. People will offer you drinks on a regular basis, and while it's acceptable to turn them down you might be missing an opportunity to show off your knowledge of fine liqueurs which will demonstrate to the opposition how worthy of an opponent you are. It's helpful to pretend that you're drunk to trick your enemies, but you must be careful that they don't actually slip in poison or a sleeping tablet. Should you find the word "poison" written on a slip of paper stuck to the bottom of your drink, ingest as much alcohol in the shortest timespan possible and get rid of the toxins the "natural" way.
2. Besides drinking, you'll probably also smoking a lot to maintain cover. Even if you don't smoke, it's helpful to have a lighter around as a method of identifying contacts or taking pictures. That, and there are a fair number of enemies who own cigar factories/frequent cigar smoking clubs, so you better take a few puffs if you're a guy if you want to shed off the clean living good guy vibe. Plus, you can always use cigarettes to fire tear gas bombs/killer darts. Cigarette boxes are also good for passing on secret messages and disguising small explosives. Beware passing off your boss's humidor to a co-worker, and do NOT ask them to follow evasion pattern 8 if you do.
3. If you're a man, women will latch onto you like leeches (well, maybe not so much like real leeches) on a regular basis. So don't worry about staying single. You can't have any long-lasting committed relationships, though, unless you happen to work for the British Ministry of Defense or the CIA.
4. If you're a woman, you will dress up in some outrageously entertaining costumes while on assignment. Don't forget your wigs. It's amazing what you can get done when people assume that you're just eyecandy.
5. Female Chinese agents are always double agents, so it's a bad idea to trust them. The exception is if they are masquerading as prostitutes or if they're working for the (Chinese) People's External Security force. Be warned : if they invite you over to their apartments, they plan on either torturing you or killing you.
6. African-American agents of either gender within your own department, however, are always trustworthy and very loyal. The male ones occasionally get killed when helping you out, though. You should only doubt their motives if they pose as your spouse without alerting you to their cover beforehand.
7. Secret agent marriages don't work out. There's the whole keeping secrets from each other bit that can damper emotional intimacy; your spouse is probably a double agent anyway, and your enemies will try to target your spouse for assassination if (s)he isn't already working for them. If you do want to keep your spouse alive long enough to celebrate your 20th wedding anniversary, don't tell them that you're a spy or let them drive a car. If you are lucky enough to have a heterosexual relationship with a significant other for a relatively long period of time, that significant other's spouse will most likely turn out not to be lost in the Amazonian tropical forests at a very inconvenient time. That, or you'll visit your nearly forgotten fiancée after you've accidentally switched bodies with some other guy.
8. Every secret agent has a Russian equivalent of the opposite gender no matter which department you work for unless you're based out of New York. The vast majority of them have British accents.
9. You don't really need to carry a gun unless you work in the US. The opposition will always be armed, so all you have to do is beat up the opposition and then take their gun to interrogate them. That way you avoid less suspicion if they decide to frisk you. Very rarely do you end up firing it unless you're an American. You need to be a good rifle shot, though, in order to impress friends and gain the trust of the opposition.
10. In the rare chance that a woman is killed, there will never be any blood on her clothing even if she's shot. The exception to this is if you work for the CIA or the woman in question is a formerly suicidal Italian countess.
11. The people you're out to bamboozle/kill/bring down are always called the opposition. They don't need a nationality; if you're working for the British government, they probably have ties with the Russians, anyway.
12. Everyone can be bribed to do whatever you want if you work for M-9. Bribery often works if you're a secret agent working for a different organization, but the success isn't guaranteed. Whatever the case , hope that your department supplies you with enough money because you're going through your personal expense account fast enough as it is.
13. You'll end up in a casino sometime in your career unless you work for the British Ministry of Defense. All agents are excellent gamblers, so if you do lose you only do it so that the opposition underestimates you. That, or you're dreaming.
14. No secret agent wears a watch that doesn't have at least one nifty gadget embedded in it. What's the point of having a watch if it only tells time?
15. Female agents will have to do something outrageous with their hair at least once; it's a pity that "drastic haircuts" aren't mentioned in the job description. Either that, or they end up masquerading as a man by tucking their hair underneath a cap.
16. Someone will attempt to masquerade as you at least once. Most likely there will be some kind of mind-swapping device or identical twin generator involved. Have fun convincing your bosses that you really are you because the opposition has some really nasty conditioning and brainwashing techniques that they're dying to test.
17. You have to be able to fly a plane and/or a helicopter. You'll end up dodging people shooting at you from helicopters and/or planes at least once during your career. No matter how good of a pilot you are, you'll end up in a crashing plane at least once, more likely twice. Don't worry; you will never be seriously injured or end up dead no matter how dire the circumstances may seem at first.
18. You will be tortured by the opposition and undergoing some really nasty interrogations at least twice. You have your own ways of not revealing information, but if you do you always tell them lies anyway. Someone will come in to rescue you just when things look like they're going to get really bad, so hang in there.
19. Don't expect to have much of a private life outside of the office. You're travelling away on missions quite a bit of the time, and your bosses have no compunctions about randomly appearing in your home to give you your latest assignments. Your relationships are pretty much an open book, too, so do try to learn to be discreet if you don't want to become blackmail fodder for the opposition. You have enough fun trying to clean up the messes for your own side as it is.
20. At least one of the villains you come across will either live in a castle or have a suit of armor in his/her home. They probably have an obsession with torture, particularly if it's kinky, and/or is a part of their family ancestry. Humor them until you can steal an old weapon off the wall.
21. You'll be locked up in a prison cell at least twice; if you work for UNCLE then I hope you're into bondage because you or your partner will be tied up/locked away at least once a mission. This is to be expected, and you will always be able to free yourself without help from others. Methods for escape will be discussed later.
22. Female communist agents meeting you for the first time will inevitably rant about your embodiment of the decadence of Western capitalism. The exception is for cypher clerks who once aspired to be ballerinas but now work in Istanbul.
23. People defect from Russia because they want to enjoy the decadence of Western capitalism. Defectors are almost always male.
To be continued when I'm less screwed for a pending bioH quiz. Eee-urp!
(If you got that last reference, then you're a real Avengers fan :D)
And this amused me as it's vaguely related: