You could pay them to fight to the death. The initial loss would easily be made up by the betting pool profits. Plus, as ringleader you'll also be able to auction off their dorms after the fight. No matter where you go you'll never escape idiots. Might as well put 'em to good use (I'm sure the legally blonde boy would make for excellent archery practice).

Go to Target tomorrow and pick up a camera. I demand pics!